Cal Jacobson's Blog

I’ve just read my last few posts. Damn, I’m an angry bastard. Need to cut down on the caffeine.

So there I was, minding my own business while driving to work this morning, and somebody at CBS or ABC or whatever damn network provides the local station with national news made the decision to hand a microphone to an idiot.

<Happy Voice, “Pomp and Circumstance” plays in the background>
Graduation is right around the corner, and many seniors are looking forward to the excitement of having their name called and walking down the aisle to receive their diploma.

<Music ends, idiot switches to his Mr. Bad News Voice>
But an increasing number of students won’t get to graduate …

And that’s when my head exploded.  “Get to graduate?”

Get?

Maybe I’m just showing my age, but when I graduated high school (back in 1988, shortly after the Renaissance) students had to earn a diploma.  You know, by taking tests and reading and writing and stuff.  I didn’t even apply myself in school, yet still managed to graduate in the middle of my class.

When the hell did a high school diploma become a right?

Those of you who had to drop out to support your ailing mother and 85 younger siblings, pipe down.  You guys are a statistical blip, outnumbered by the legion of mouth-breathers who can’t apparently squeak through public education with a D-minus.  The same goes for everybody who had a serious medical condition in 12th grade and needed a quintuple organ transplant: you guys get a pass.  I’m baffled by the huge number of future service industry employees incapable of following along in class, let alone trying to make change.

Am I out of touch here?

Man, and I thought Thunderbirds was awful.

Last night my wife and I watched Ultraviolet. I had heard that it was by the same guy who did Equilibrium (which we had both enjoyed) so it seemed like a reasonable choice for a fairly mindless action flick.

I was wrong, and not just white-pants-after-Labor-Day wrong. Oh no. We’re talking liposuction on an 8-year-old wrong. Wedding reception at Golden Corral wrong. Rabbi in Mecca wrong. Linday Lohan as driving instructor wrong. Wrong.

It is never a good sign if the movie starts off with three minutes of narrative. It doesn’t help if the narrator is the main character. It certainly doesn’t help if the main character is being played by Milla Jolololololovovich. Five minutes into the movie I had this growing fear that this cinematic experience was heading nowhere but downhill. Featuring more costume changes than a Cher concert and such disjointed dialog and scenes that I was compelled to turn to my wife half-way through and ask “did anyone actually EDIT this movie?”, Ultraviolet was a lock for Second-Worst Movie In The World^* before it was halfway over.

Lest you think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, let me quote a few critics courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes, none of which I’m actually making up:

Ultraviolet wants desperately to be a provocative, high-concept action thriller. It is apparently trying to say something about fear and terrorism, paranoia and racism. But it looks more like a shampoo commercial. — Christy Lemire, Associated Press

Lordy mama, the thing’s just unspeakable. — The Daily Mirror (UK)

Ultraviolet will be studied with great interest in the future – not for its quality or its artistic merit, but rather to discover how a turd like this was made. — Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures

Now critics are often highbrow, stuffy types that would prefer some Elizabethan drama to anything you and I would watch. How about some input from typical moviegoers (by way of IMDB)?

This movie is absolutely horrible. The magnitude of its suck is unbelievable. — Niko Stokley

Like a German techno video with badly translated Japanese one-liners for dialogue… only less coherent. — Steph-3

I registered at this site just to tell you how GODAWFUL this movie truly is. About 10 minutes into the movie I started praying for a brain tumor to arrive and kill me. — Batese

I’m going to go set a camera on record, then throw it into a cement sidewalk. This would result in a film that is 10 times better than Ultraviolet. — smitty124

I have no proof, but I suspect that this is the movie that almost killed Roger Ebert in 2006. It is a movie so bad even its star badmouthed it.

Please, for the love of God, don’t watch this movie. Educate your children and your community. If you own a rental store, I strongly urge you to immediately entomb every copy you have in something lead-lined and bury it deep. And please, start writing your senators and representatives in Washington so that we may prevent Ultraviolet on Blu-Ray from ever being released. Think globally, act locally.

* Oh, and the Worst Movie In The World? Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. We saw it in a movie theater; I foolishly argued against walking out, thinking that it would get better. Some people liked that movie, but I won’t say anything about them since it’s not nice to make fun of the mentally handicapped.