The car was a Jaguar.

I swear to God I’m not making that up.

I hadn’t seen it in the theater, despite the omnipresent media campaign that ranged from M&Ms to thinly-veiled archaeology shows on the History Channel.  Reaction from people who had seen it was definitely “meh”, and if I’ve learned anything from George Lucas in the last 9 years, its that he can’t make a decent film to save his life.

So I was prepared for disappointment.

As much as I’d like to say something like “but boy was I wrong”, I can’t.  Harrison Ford looks old.  Karen Allen looks as old as Harrison Ford, and she’s 9 years younger.  The absence of Denholm Elliot‘s character is noticeable even before the movie makes a half-assed homage to him (Elliot died in 1992).

This was a movie made 17 years too late.

If I hadn’t seen the original three movies earlier this year, I’d probably be feeling somewhat pissed right now; movies fare a lot better when viewed through nostalgic lenses.  While I had never been completely enamored with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I had forgotten about how bad some parts of Temple of Doom were.  Like I said, I was prepared for disappointment.  I’m not pissed off, I’m just kind of saddened by the wasted potential.

Spoilers follow.  Consider yourself warned.

I think the choice of the Soviets as the bad guys was a decent one; I’m just amazed that Steven Spielberg was talked into directing a movie without robots or World War II as a backdrop.  Then again, it does have aliens.

Ugh, aliens.  I don’t know if this particular stink can be pinned on George Lucas, but he’s my primary suspect.  Spielberg’s range of subject matter looks comprehensive in comparison: George just seems to need a chrome spaceship and some CGI these days, both of which were in attendance.

Would it really have killed them to do a story about Atlantis or the Spear of Destiny or Excalibur or the Fountain of Youth or Aztlán?  Bigfoot?  Even the Loch Ness Monster?

Maybe even better material wouldn’t have improved this movie, because Indiana Jones is tired.  Whether this was an intentional decision by Ford/Lucas/Spielberg or not, he’s a low-energy guy in what should be a high-energy movie.  It’s like he’s got mono, but worse: he didn’t take his Geritol.  All he’s missing is a walker and a chance to snap his whip at some kids on his lawn.

I thought Cate Blanchett was pretty much forgettable as a scenery-chewing Commie.  Ray Winstone was ok as Indy’s longtime-friend-whom-we’ve-never-met-but-are-convinced-of-such-due-to-exposition-desperately-trying-to-cover-19-years-of-backstory, though a better choice might have been Jonathan Ke Quan, reprising his role of Short Round from Temple of Doom.  Now that would have added a little more drama to the story, were he to also side with the Soviets and suffer Mac’s fate.

As for Shia LaBeouf?  I thought he did a fair job, nothing more.  I don’t think he has the screen presence to lead the franchise in the future, but he didn’t deserve a lot of the fanboy hate directed towards him.  He’s just lucky he wasn’t cast as an Ewok.

I don’t think Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a terrible movie — it was certainly no Ultraviolet — it just wasn’t very good.  It isn’t a movie people are going to remember 20 years from now in any context other than “oh yeah, they made a fourth Indiana Jones, didn’t they?”  It is Godfather III-ish in its setup and follow-through.

]]> http://blog.caljacobson.com/2008/11/27/indiana-jones-and-the-kingdom-of-the-strained-prunes/feed/ 1 http://blog.caljacobson.com/2006/12/07/winter-survival-internet-dumbasses-etc/ http://blog.caljacobson.com/2006/12/07/winter-survival-internet-dumbasses-etc/#comments Fri, 08 Dec 2006 02:05:47 +0000 Cal http://blog.caljacobson.com/2006/12/07/winter-survival-internet-dumbasses-etc/ You may have heard about how the Kim family ordeal ended.

I mention this because for some unknown reason I bothered to read the related thread on Fark.com and was moved by the tremendous amount of stupidity I found…and I don’t just mean the typical trolls that post something insensitive. No, I’m also talking about the emotional hand-wringers who are calling Kim a “hero” for leaving his car and dying alone in the woods.

Mind you, I’m not saying that James Kim deserved to die.…but I can’t help but wonder why the hell they were on that road during the winter in the first damn place.

One Farker posted a picture that allegedly showed one of the warning signs along that road. Call me crazy, but I don’t doubt him one bit; I’ve seen plenty of roads with similar signage in Colorado and Washington state. If the Kim family drove past one of those large, brightly-colored signs and ignored the cautionary text, then they were stupid.

Maybe I’m going to hell for suggesting such a thing. Some of Fark’s more sensitive posters suggested that the sign, which supposedly said “road may be blocked by snowdrifts,” wasn’t a strong enough warning.

Poppycock. That mentality is why we have warning labels on hammers instructing people to wear goggles during use. There is a very good reason why you must pass a couple of tests to earn the privilege of operating a motor vehicle: it’s easy to kill yourself or others with a car if you don’t pay attention to details.

I am very happy to hear that Kim’s wife and two young children survived. I’m sure that James’ decision to leave his car and family to search for help was a difficult one. But doing so does not, as so many Farkers emotionally penned, make Kim a hero. He may have been a victim – of somebody else’s incompetence or his own — but to call his actions heroic merely illustrate how abused and meaningless the word “hero” has become.

The Kim family, once they found themselves stuck, did do some smart things. They stayed in the car, as is suggested by survivalists and law enforcement officials. They ran the engine sparingly — just enough to warm the car — and were able to make the most out of their remaining gas. They set their tires on fire: something that had not occured to me but would have provided additional heat as well as a plume of thick black smoke for rescuers to see. Mrs. Kim and her children were spotted thanks to an umbrella covered with reflective tape, another good idea.

What happened to the Kims is a tragedy. But calling James Kim a hero is nonsense, perpetuated by people who want some sort of happy ending or uplifting note for this story.