Cal Jacobson’s Blog

Man, and I thought Thunderbirds was awful.

Last night my wife and I watched Ultraviolet. I had heard that it was by the same guy who did Equilibrium (which we had both enjoyed) so it seemed like a reasonable choice for a fairly mindless action flick.

I was wrong, and not just white-pants-after-Labor-Day wrong. Oh no. We’re talking liposuction on an 8-year-old wrong. Wedding reception at Golden Corral wrong. Rabbi in Mecca wrong. Linday Lohan as driving instructor wrong. Wrong.

It is never a good sign if the movie starts off with three minutes of narrative. It doesn’t help if the narrator is the main character. It certainly doesn’t help if the main character is being played by Milla Jolololololovovich. Five minutes into the movie I had this growing fear that this cinematic experience was heading nowhere but downhill. Featuring more costume changes than a Cher concert and such disjointed dialog and scenes that I was compelled to turn to my wife half-way through and ask “did anyone actually EDIT this movie?”, Ultraviolet was a lock for Second-Worst Movie In The World^* before it was halfway over.

Lest you think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, let me quote a few critics courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes, none of which I’m actually making up:

Ultraviolet wants desperately to be a provocative, high-concept action thriller. It is apparently trying to say something about fear and terrorism, paranoia and racism. But it looks more like a shampoo commercial. — Christy Lemire, Associated Press

Lordy mama, the thing’s just unspeakable. — The Daily Mirror (UK)

Ultraviolet will be studied with great interest in the future - not for its quality or its artistic merit, but rather to discover how a turd like this was made. — Kevin Carr, 7M Pictures

Now critics are often highbrow, stuffy types that would prefer some Elizabethan drama to anything you and I would watch. How about some input from typical moviegoers (by way of IMDB)?

This movie is absolutely horrible. The magnitude of its suck is unbelievable. — Niko Stokley

Like a German techno video with badly translated Japanese one-liners for dialogue… only less coherent. — Steph-3

I registered at this site just to tell you how GODAWFUL this movie truly is. About 10 minutes into the movie I started praying for a brain tumor to arrive and kill me. — Batese

I’m going to go set a camera on record, then throw it into a cement sidewalk. This would result in a film that is 10 times better than Ultraviolet. — smitty124

I have no proof, but I suspect that this is the movie that almost killed Roger Ebert in 2006. It is a movie so bad even its star badmouthed it.

Please, for the love of God, don’t watch this movie. Educate your children and your community. If you own a rental store, I strongly urge you to immediately entomb every copy you have in something lead-lined and bury it deep. And please, start writing your senators and representatives in Washington so that we may prevent Ultraviolet on Blu-Ray from ever being released. Think globally, act locally.

* Oh, and the Worst Movie In The World? Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. We saw it in a movie theater; I foolishly argued against walking out, thinking that it would get better. Some people liked that movie, but I won’t say anything about them since it’s not nice to make fun of the mentally handicapped.